Domestic abuse is oftentimes used interchangeably with domestic violence. This is because both terms describe the abuser as someone who wishes to gain control over the victim, whether it is physically, emotionally, or financially. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, race, religion, profession, or social status.
Domestic abuse or domestic violence helplines are in place to help victims. As a victim, you will be advised of legal remedies for your situation including getting a restraining order.
Types of domestic abuse and some of their signs
There are different types of domestic abuse and there are red flags to look out for. This will help you act fast to avoid being pushed deeper into the domestic abuse hole.
Physical abuse:
With physical abuse, the abuser uses their physical strength to threaten or harm you.
Signs of physical abuse may include:
- Hitting, slapping, punching, pushing, biting, kicking, scratching, beating, or choking you.
- When angry, the abuser tends to turn physical against objects. For example, they tend to punch walls, throw objects, or kick doors.
- Takes you to an unfamiliar place and abandons you there
- The abuser decides to drive recklessly to scare you.
- The abuser keeps you from sleeping, eating, getting medical care, or calling the police
- Uses a weapon such as a knife, hammer, gun, or any other weapon to threaten you.
- Physically restrains you, locks you in a room, locks you outside, or prevents you from finding an exit.
Don’t take physical abuse lightly, there have been many deaths arising from physical abuse. Take steps to get away from the abuser such as filing a restraining order. It is important to act now and not wait until it is too late.
Emotional abuse:
With emotional abuse, the abuser does things to slowly chip away at your self-worth. The abuser may find pleasure in constantly criticizing you, verbally abusing you, humiliates you in public, or intimidates you. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often ignored until it is too late.
Signs of emotional abuse include:
- The abuser enjoys humiliating you in public
- You face continuous criticism.
- The abuser acts in a possessive or jealous manner. For example, constantly accusing you of cheating even when you are not.
- Controls where you can and can’t go and what you can and can’t do
- Constantly checks up on you
- Does not want you to work
- The abuser threatens to take away your children or harm your pets, or family members.
Sexual abuse:
With sexual abuse, the abuser uses sex in an exploitative way. It includes sexual assault, rape, and harassment.
Signs of sexual abuse include:
- Trying to or having sexual activities with you while you are drunk, drugged, disabled, too old, or too young.
- The abuser doesn’t care about your desire to have sex. Instead, they may urge you to try sexual experiences you don’t want or have sex with others.
- The abuser insists that you dress sexually.
- The abuser manipulates or forces you into having sex or performing sexual acts.
- The abuser insists on having sex with you even when you are sick, tired, or after being beaten.
- Enjoys hurting you with objects during sex.
Control
The abuser seeks to gain control over the victim through manipulation or intimidation.
Signs on a controlling domestic abuser:
- The abuser keeps tabs on where you go and whom you go with
- The abuser keeps you away from family and friends; you have to seek permission before seeing or talking to them.
- The abuser checks the car mileage every after you use the car.
- The abuser monitors your phone calls or internet usage.
- The abuse controls how you dress and how you style your hair.
- The abuser uses your children to threaten or manipulate you. For example, the abuser can threaten to kill your children if you don’t do ABC.
- Takes pleasure in yelling at you and making you feel small
- Threatens to kill you or someone close to you.
- Blames you for the abuse.
Financial or economic abuse:
With the Financial abuse, you as the victim have little or no say in the finances. You have to ask for financial assistance whenever you need it.
What to do if you are a victim of domestic abuse
As a victim, the faster you get out of the situation, the better for you.
The domestic violence cruel sequence goes something like this; the abusive act occurs then the abuser feels “guilty” for abusing you, not because they feel bad for what they have done but because they worry about the consequences. Will they be arrested? When they stop feeling “guilty” then they switch to the “look what you made me do phase”. Everyone and everything will be to blame for the abuse apart from the abuser. He/she will never blame themselves. You will be blamed for being abused. You will be blamed for provoking the abuse.
Later, the abuser will do everything possible to ensure that you “forget” the abuse and don’t walk away. You will be wined, dined, made to feel like a queen or king until the abuse happens again, and the cycle will continue until you decide that it is “ENOUGH” and do something about it.
If you know someone is being abused, speak up. Don’t say it is none of your business, approach the person, and offer your help. Don’t put them on pressure or give them advice, just offer to help and express your concern.
If you are being abused, get support. It could be your friends, family, or the police. Whatever the case, get the support you need to leave the abusive situation.
If you don’t have friends or family or you are afraid of putting them in danger, you can seek temporary accommodation in places like a shelter.
If you have been physically abused, contact emergency services, or talk to the police. There are many support lines in place for victims of domestic abuse, the place can help you access the help you need.
Don’t forget to document the abuse. Where possible take video or pictures of the abuse, the weapons used, or the injury that resulted from the abuse. This will help when applying for restraining orders citing domestic violence.
Whatever may happen, it is important to remember that you are not the problem, the abuser is. Don’t blame yourself for the abuse and don’t make excuses for the abuse. You can file for a restraining order against the abuser to help protect yourself.
